the, i'll deal with it later, abyss.

i guess you could say that my weight has always been an issue, like it is for a vast number of people. one of the many joys in life, food. our genetic code can play a role in how we utilize the food we eat, but for myself, it's much more. i was always the chunky, tall girl, always thankful for the tall genes. i did what most children my age did. rode bikes, danced, participated in sports....but no matter how much effort i put in, not realizing it was important at the time, i continued to fill out and feel very insecure with my body and had no clue what i was made of. my weight slowly began to burden me more and more, and i began to participate less and less. defeat in a young child's mind is extremely hazardous, not having the experience as an adult to combat the cruelty of life; and to know better than to let it actually harden us. none the less, i grew very fearful but did not want others to see myself the way i did. i clung to every outlet that helped me to feel "normal." i had many groups of friends, and also felt very alive as part of a very special circle. those girls, who very much accepted me as i was, still had no real idea of what hid behind my smile. i was known for being very smiley, which has been a nickname given by many people in my life. i apparently knew how to tune out the hurt and display an image that would distract people from what i did not want them to notice. i did enjoy all the goodness in life, if only i could have felt better about my body. although no parent wants to hear this, i was constantly compared to cousins and others, which only added to reasons for self doubt and poor self esteem. my grandmother and mother teamed up and enrolled me in Weight Watchers. i remember feeling very odd paired with these much older people, but i was starved for change and knew no other way.

it's funny. i don't actually remember eating too much. i remember having a love for food, yes, but i don't remember eating more than was normal. however, i did sneak cheese on a regular basis and as i said in another post, sugar, was always acceptable. i believe that is were my true problem lies.

sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade....i started to feel better. i started to notice boys noticing me. i thought, great! people who can see me for more than i see myself. i had a particular little fellow who loved to draw me pictures. he would constantly hand me funny images with sweet sentiments....then one day, he handed me a paper with a sketched Garfield the Cat that said, "round is beautiful." i could have died. a fourteen year old girl does not want to be reminded that she is round! in hindsight, he was more mature than boys his age. i'm sure he has made a plump woman somewhere, very happy.

i was able to have good and bad experiences, of course, but the more i focused on others and not myself, the more i found myself in situations where guys wanted to take advantage. this area of the post is a bit personal but it is also a huge part of my struggle for self and my inability to recognize my personal worth. luckily, the string of young men who wanted nothing other than to fill their own desires, were stupid and invasive, and taught me a lot about the boundaries and limits that even a shattered girl, like myself, wanted to emplace.

high school was full of theatrical productions and teaming with some of the "avant-garde" students that fit the bill for acceptance and excitement. i enjoyed those times and was able to further stuff my image problems down into the, i'll deal with it later, abyss.

my young adult life began to take shape and what the future held, was uncertain. my need to create a healthy life, certainly was not certain. having been pushed and pulled, tormented from within and out, i had no idea what i wanted. drugs, homelessness, moving to and fro, starting never finishing, i watched my weight go up and down, a lot! i had met the best of people and also the worst of people. having grown up in Las Vegas, i was not unfamiliar with seedy low life street beggars and i had become a street kid myself, thankful for the programs in place that allowed me to eat. although this lifestyle certainly did not please me, looking back, it was an accumulation of all the fear and doubt that i had held onto for so long. i'm sure for those who have never found themselves in these sort of situations, can not even begin to comprehend these actions, but it's real. i found others, like myself, just looking for something to hold on to. something that could give us worth and significance because we couldn't find it.

then, around 2003, having quit the hard stuff and on my way to recovery, i remember feeling so alone. so crazy. so lucky, that i hadn't lost myself through it all. i got back on my feet and started to make heads of all the crap i allowed to happen. as i begun to make sense of it all, there was still this pain. this agonizing pain. i still wasn't happy. my friendships and relationships, didn't make me happy. i needed to feel good about myself, but i just couldn't do it. i gave myself every reason that i could, but to no deliver.

one day, year 2007, my friend called me up and said,"let's go get lunch!" sure! i was always up for an eating adventure. we met at Tony Caputo's Market and Deli and i walked in with only lunch on my mind. however, i left with a part time job. supplementing your income, never a bad thing. as i was sitting on the patio with my roasted pepper sandwich on foccacia, Manchego cheese, oil, vinegar and greens, i had a thought i couldn't shake. i turned to my friend and said,"i'm going to meet someone special here!" a few days later, i am united with my future husband. we were wed on May 30, 2009 and he truly loves me for exactly what i was, and still loves me for who i am today. for the past three and a half years, he has encouraged me to become the Paige i've never been. we've worked at this together, losing and gaining, and through it all, i know i've gained a few things i never had before. i am whole and complete, just as i am. we've had many adventures, even very hard times when we've wanted to give up on our dreams. he's always there though, encouraging me, loving me, leading me.

April 20, 2011, we learned of some surprising news. we were pregnant and going to have a baby!!! although, even at 31, i didn't feel ready to have a child. as you may know, babies come anyway, and the pregnancy, really, was all i could ever hope for. i loved it, minus the misaligned pelvis due to too much hormone, Relaxin. it caused A LOT of pain and it made everything more difficult, but i loved it. i loved that there was this little human being growing inside of me, and it was made between the love my husband and i share. my pregnancy was flawless. my baby and i were healthy throughout and i couldn't have been more blessed. near the end, i started seeing a wonderful chiropractor to aid in helping me deliver our son naturally, with no interventions. women with PGP, pelvic girdle pain, are said to have complications with a vaginal birth due to a misaligned pelvis. i was determined to have a quiet, peaceful birth and i did! what an EMPOWERING experience. Duncan came naturally, with the help from my husband and our wonderful midwives, December 22, 2012, the Winter Solstice! 

55 pounds i had gained....so that puts me at about 120 pounds heavier than that of my wedding day. 120 pounds heavier than i could have ever imagined. i guess the second helping of ice cream during pregnancy is only ok if you can loose the weight after pregnancy. i sit here today, feeling good about losing 30 pounds of it, but i have have so much further to go. if at any point i thought it would be hard, it's now. i am a stay at home mom, who needs to get more active. i've always relied on working to keep my weight off.

it's now 2013. i started this blog to track my progress and to possibly help those that may have similar experiences. i am usually a very private person when it comes to certain things but letting go is a necessary step, at least i think it is for myself. in order to know where you are going, i think it's important to take a look at where you were at.

Our achievements of today are but the sum total of our thoughts of yesterday. You are today where the thoughts of yesterday have brought you and you will be tomorrow where the thoughts of today take you. -Blaise Pascal