a platform from which to jump beyond myself...

i have been hesitant to post because a lack of weight loss makes a blog about weight loss rather pointless, right? i'm glad you understand my dilemma...as you may know, my husband and i recently packed up and moved 2600 miles away from our family. i have absolutely no reservations about taking this step, however, my emotions are at an all time high and i'd like to take you on a journey to the past where i might be able to portray the condition in which i now find myself. don't get me wrong, change towards health IS in progress, it's just not at the rate i'm comfortable with. let me explain...

lets go back in time to 2006 where there is a new project on my horizon. although there are many areas of my life that are in need of improvement, i always manage to find ways to shake up my soul and harden my muscles. my neighbor Jane, who is absolutely wonderful and someone i look up to, has been toying with what to do with a mound of dirt and weeds she regrets to call her front yard. after a little talking and much day dreaming on my part, we decide to execute a plan to xeriscape, which is really the only smart way to go in a desert climate. for those who have no idea what i'm referring to, xeriscaping is a way of landscaping or gardening that eliminates or reduces the need for supplemental water. so after running some numbers and getting supplies together, a friend and i get tilling. over the next few weeks, our project takes great form. my free time consists of hauling rock and planting perennials. ah, to be outside... the sun, nothing short of bliss. my body is working mechanically, doing what it loves and craves. my brain is stimulated by design and transformation. my heart, whole and happy; having an opportunity to do something wonderful for Jane, who has been contemplating what to do with her yard for nearly a decade. another perfect platform from which to jump beyond myself.

it is now 2013 and i am an overweight mother. i have this little bundle of boyhood that excites every part of my waking moment. he is my reason for waking up each day and living it to its fullest capacity. i have learned so many lessons from him and couldn't possibly comprehend living a life without him in it....but how many hours are there in a day? i am in a constant state of, stay at home mom gets nothing accomplished, while it was always rigorous activities and a bounty of projects that helped me to stay well. with 2600 miles distance from my family, there are no opportunities to call on my mother or mother-in-law and say, hey, come on over and watch the little guy because i'm itching to get my hands dirty. living in a new place takes time to build trusted connections, but even so, i am not out there as i have been, working, meeting new people, creating connections. i in a way, have taken backseat to my own life and while there are so many things to be grateful for, my time is not quite my own. i have a new role and am adjusting quite slowly. nap times are handy, but they are fleeting. i find myself situating my son in front of a television to take a shower....and while my emotions get the best of the reflection in the mirror, i know that i am making changes in other ways, that the mirror doesn't see. so please forgive me, friends, i have not let you all down. i have not let myself down, i am only learning to live my life differently than before. i am trying to find ways to fulfill my happiness, that will reflect on my bathroom scale. i am trying to enjoy exercise that comes in the form of a boy named Duncan. i am trying...i am trying so that i might see my son grow and succeed, and learn that nothing worthwhile in this life comes easy or without patience.

adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience
                                  -Ralph Waldo Emerson

the, i'll deal with it later, abyss.

i guess you could say that my weight has always been an issue, like it is for a vast number of people. one of the many joys in life, food. our genetic code can play a role in how we utilize the food we eat, but for myself, it's much more. i was always the chunky, tall girl, always thankful for the tall genes. i did what most children my age did. rode bikes, danced, participated in sports....but no matter how much effort i put in, not realizing it was important at the time, i continued to fill out and feel very insecure with my body and had no clue what i was made of. my weight slowly began to burden me more and more, and i began to participate less and less. defeat in a young child's mind is extremely hazardous, not having the experience as an adult to combat the cruelty of life; and to know better than to let it actually harden us. none the less, i grew very fearful but did not want others to see myself the way i did. i clung to every outlet that helped me to feel "normal." i had many groups of friends, and also felt very alive as part of a very special circle. those girls, who very much accepted me as i was, still had no real idea of what hid behind my smile. i was known for being very smiley, which has been a nickname given by many people in my life. i apparently knew how to tune out the hurt and display an image that would distract people from what i did not want them to notice. i did enjoy all the goodness in life, if only i could have felt better about my body. although no parent wants to hear this, i was constantly compared to cousins and others, which only added to reasons for self doubt and poor self esteem. my grandmother and mother teamed up and enrolled me in Weight Watchers. i remember feeling very odd paired with these much older people, but i was starved for change and knew no other way.

it's funny. i don't actually remember eating too much. i remember having a love for food, yes, but i don't remember eating more than was normal. however, i did sneak cheese on a regular basis and as i said in another post, sugar, was always acceptable. i believe that is were my true problem lies.

sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade....i started to feel better. i started to notice boys noticing me. i thought, great! people who can see me for more than i see myself. i had a particular little fellow who loved to draw me pictures. he would constantly hand me funny images with sweet sentiments....then one day, he handed me a paper with a sketched Garfield the Cat that said, "round is beautiful." i could have died. a fourteen year old girl does not want to be reminded that she is round! in hindsight, he was more mature than boys his age. i'm sure he has made a plump woman somewhere, very happy.

i was able to have good and bad experiences, of course, but the more i focused on others and not myself, the more i found myself in situations where guys wanted to take advantage. this area of the post is a bit personal but it is also a huge part of my struggle for self and my inability to recognize my personal worth. luckily, the string of young men who wanted nothing other than to fill their own desires, were stupid and invasive, and taught me a lot about the boundaries and limits that even a shattered girl, like myself, wanted to emplace.

high school was full of theatrical productions and teaming with some of the "avant-garde" students that fit the bill for acceptance and excitement. i enjoyed those times and was able to further stuff my image problems down into the, i'll deal with it later, abyss.

my young adult life began to take shape and what the future held, was uncertain. my need to create a healthy life, certainly was not certain. having been pushed and pulled, tormented from within and out, i had no idea what i wanted. drugs, homelessness, moving to and fro, starting never finishing, i watched my weight go up and down, a lot! i had met the best of people and also the worst of people. having grown up in Las Vegas, i was not unfamiliar with seedy low life street beggars and i had become a street kid myself, thankful for the programs in place that allowed me to eat. although this lifestyle certainly did not please me, looking back, it was an accumulation of all the fear and doubt that i had held onto for so long. i'm sure for those who have never found themselves in these sort of situations, can not even begin to comprehend these actions, but it's real. i found others, like myself, just looking for something to hold on to. something that could give us worth and significance because we couldn't find it.

then, around 2003, having quit the hard stuff and on my way to recovery, i remember feeling so alone. so crazy. so lucky, that i hadn't lost myself through it all. i got back on my feet and started to make heads of all the crap i allowed to happen. as i begun to make sense of it all, there was still this pain. this agonizing pain. i still wasn't happy. my friendships and relationships, didn't make me happy. i needed to feel good about myself, but i just couldn't do it. i gave myself every reason that i could, but to no deliver.

one day, year 2007, my friend called me up and said,"let's go get lunch!" sure! i was always up for an eating adventure. we met at Tony Caputo's Market and Deli and i walked in with only lunch on my mind. however, i left with a part time job. supplementing your income, never a bad thing. as i was sitting on the patio with my roasted pepper sandwich on foccacia, Manchego cheese, oil, vinegar and greens, i had a thought i couldn't shake. i turned to my friend and said,"i'm going to meet someone special here!" a few days later, i am united with my future husband. we were wed on May 30, 2009 and he truly loves me for exactly what i was, and still loves me for who i am today. for the past three and a half years, he has encouraged me to become the Paige i've never been. we've worked at this together, losing and gaining, and through it all, i know i've gained a few things i never had before. i am whole and complete, just as i am. we've had many adventures, even very hard times when we've wanted to give up on our dreams. he's always there though, encouraging me, loving me, leading me.

April 20, 2011, we learned of some surprising news. we were pregnant and going to have a baby!!! although, even at 31, i didn't feel ready to have a child. as you may know, babies come anyway, and the pregnancy, really, was all i could ever hope for. i loved it, minus the misaligned pelvis due to too much hormone, Relaxin. it caused A LOT of pain and it made everything more difficult, but i loved it. i loved that there was this little human being growing inside of me, and it was made between the love my husband and i share. my pregnancy was flawless. my baby and i were healthy throughout and i couldn't have been more blessed. near the end, i started seeing a wonderful chiropractor to aid in helping me deliver our son naturally, with no interventions. women with PGP, pelvic girdle pain, are said to have complications with a vaginal birth due to a misaligned pelvis. i was determined to have a quiet, peaceful birth and i did! what an EMPOWERING experience. Duncan came naturally, with the help from my husband and our wonderful midwives, December 22, 2012, the Winter Solstice! 

55 pounds i had gained....so that puts me at about 120 pounds heavier than that of my wedding day. 120 pounds heavier than i could have ever imagined. i guess the second helping of ice cream during pregnancy is only ok if you can loose the weight after pregnancy. i sit here today, feeling good about losing 30 pounds of it, but i have have so much further to go. if at any point i thought it would be hard, it's now. i am a stay at home mom, who needs to get more active. i've always relied on working to keep my weight off.

it's now 2013. i started this blog to track my progress and to possibly help those that may have similar experiences. i am usually a very private person when it comes to certain things but letting go is a necessary step, at least i think it is for myself. in order to know where you are going, i think it's important to take a look at where you were at.

Our achievements of today are but the sum total of our thoughts of yesterday. You are today where the thoughts of yesterday have brought you and you will be tomorrow where the thoughts of today take you. -Blaise Pascal

 

 

WAKE UP!

i'm back! unfortunately, with no good news to deliver. at least, no good news in terms of this BIGney shrinking. i feel compelled to post anyway, given that most of our success' in life are announced then applauded, while our defeats go tip-toe through the night, in hopes that they wake no one. WAKE UP!!! let's face it, i'm struggling...and with those words come great opportunities for advancement. our brain controls our body so change begins with our thoughts, including the ones where i say to self, this ain't working!

 my good news starts off in a quiet little town, nestled on one of the many finger peninsulas of midcoast Maine. i have a wharf, a mile down the road, and enough trees and space to enjoy peaceful solitude. my life will be good here. our family has been searching for a place to call home and a place to lay down roots, a double entendre, for as long as i can recall... so, here, is where and when the true transformation begins. here, is where my new journey starts, and now is the time.



the "wandering jew"



along route 220





the Cranberry bog

we are excited to grow a garden...maintain a small farm, and put my husband's and family's industrious minds to work, creating whatever we need, to make it on our own. i don't want to continue making the same mistakes we've been making. that is, relying on everything externally, to create a bountiful life. more action = better health. i was very excited to speak with a women yesterday, who raises Nigerian dwarf goats. boy, is she excited to get us started.

Chantrelle Mushrooms

beaches, mushroom hunting, sea shells, moss, harbors, schooners,
old cemeteries, hydrangeas, local food,
trees, history, blueberry barrens,
antique shops, lobster... some of the many reasons we love it here already...
mostly i love it, because my boys are here.







December 1, 2012

this year for Christmas, we decided to cut down our own tree on our own lot. this is very symbolic of what i want the new year to represent for myself. everything we need is right there, it's with us. i need to remember this each and every time i'm frustrated or tired..or in need of inspiration. we will always have what we need within ourselves. i hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas holiday and i look forward to the beginnings of a new year. this year will be full of new adventures and exciting additions....can't wait to fill you all in.



irony

irony: an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

the title of my blog, the shrinking BIGney, was intended to document my progression in weight loss and acquired health...little did i know when creating this blog in 2010, i would actually begin recording my experiences at a time, 2012, when my health and weight could use the most consideration. the irony...

may 30, 2009

i gave birth december 22, 2011 and gained a sizable sum of 55 pounds in the making. i was already peaking at my highest weight, pre-pregnancy. then at 42 weeks of pregnancy, i did the math and figured i was exactly 120 pounds heavier than i was on my wedding day.

how did this happen? i'll save this for another post.

although i've been hesitant to start a blog, being the non technological giant that i am,  i thought perhaps this might be a way for those of us struggling to make healthy connections with ourselves, a little easier to swallow.( no pun intended) for those who have never had to worry or feel inadequate about their weight, good for you! (enter sarcasm here)  i can certainly address the zillion other things that enter my hemisphere, that either negatively or positively affect my health and well being.

 i want to be an active mother, a full participant in my families life. i want to find joy in setting goals, working hard towards them, and achieving success. i want to experience happiness as i have never before and more importantly, i want to be an example to my son. an example of courage, dedication and hard work.

duncan grey

when i stop to think about the generation of today, and the food industry of tomorrow, i feel an uneasy sadness consume my whole being. now more than ever, we need access to fresh organic garden vegetables. we need to bring the orchards back. we need to teach our youth that food is not merely sustenance, it's survival. we need to teach, by example, that our health someday may be determined by our relationship with the land.

i have always been overweight. the relationship i'm gaining with food  has become a  healthier one. although i didn't grow up eating boxed foods full of preservatives and i didn't grow up with the golden arches as my bestfriend, i did learn at a very young age that sugar was plentiful and delicious. some of our family traditions were founded on sweet treat rituals that still, to this day, have never left my hand.

 i have a long road ahead of me and hope to be able to make needed changes as i go. priority #1 will always be to grow my own food and/or find seasonal, fresh, whole food. priority #2 will always be to get moving. i have been able to take off thirty pounds and have a goal to lose 10 pounds a month. hopefully in the coming weeks, i can check back in and report that paige BIGney, in fact, is shrinking.