i'll never forget two particular dates and two distinct emotions quite contrary to one another.
December 14, 2012- after weeks of weird chest, back and arm pains, i decided to take my worry to the emergency room. could i have a heart attack? the fear of losing my life and subsequently losing my family was a fear that i think would convince anyone to seek medical attention. over the course of those few weeks, i really evaluated what my life meant to me, and how my life affects the people i love the most. my sweet baby boy...i couldn't fathom the thought of him losing me or i losing him. it's almost as if my true purpose in life sprang from this little life form that encompasses the true understanding of pure love. he is my blood and my breath. he is my spirit and my creation. he is my light...and with that i took grave concern.
at the hospital, a few tests were administered. they performed an Electrocardiogram which checked the electrical activity of my heart. test was normal. next, they wanted to take an x-ray of my chest. they had me hop onto a gurney and off i went. as i am lying there about to take the test, i am asked if there is anyway i might be pregnant. "well, yes, my husband and i are trying to conceive," i said. so i was taken back to my room where they drew some blood for a pregnancy test and also to have another test performed that would check for clots and/or the likelihood of a stroke. i have to admit, i was a bit frustrated due to what i perceived as an inconvenience. i just wanted to know if i was ok! i wanted to know if there was any reason to be worried, or if i was just subject to stress, which is what my husband was convinced was happening. i wanted answers....and i didn't want to wait.
the nurse asked if i wanted to watch some t.v. but felt reluctant giving me the remote since i was not aware what had taken place at the Sandy Hook Elementary School that morning. i sat in that room, feeling as though my heart had been ripped out, and remember thinking that i was perfectly ok compared to these little children that had been taken. after about 3 minutes, i turned it off. i had the details and spent the rest of the time wondering why anyone would do this, and also, why anyone would sit in front of the television, intentionally, watching this horrific tale of tragedy.
i waited forever. emergency room visit's are the worst. i just wanted to know that i was going to live so that i could get home to my son who was being watched by my very sweet brother in law. Duncan had never been left this long without me before, i was going stir crazy. i waited some more, then waited...and waited. when my nurse walked into my room, i almost jumped for joy. finally, we could get the ball rolling. she walked over to her computer and said,"would you like to know your results?" yes, of course... this was a stupid question but i guess a necessary question. "yes," i said. she turned to me and said, "you are!" i am?.... i'm pregnant? really?! i was hoping to get pregnant in December but it was also the first month we had started trying. our first pregnancy with Duncan was completely unplanned and very surprising, so i was excited it had happened so easily and soon. i think at this point i had completely forgot about any of the fears or pains i had been having. i asked her if i could use my phone to call my husband. i called my husband at work and told him my EKG had come out normal and that they had wanted to do a chest x-ray but that i was pregnant, so they couldn't! we spent a few minutes basking in the good news and told him i would see him at home.
in my head, the news of this pregnancy gave light to what might have been happening with me. i had a friend, who during early pregnancy, suffered a stroke and thankfully recovered very quickly. she later gave birth to a healthy baby girl. i couldn't give you details as to why this happened, but it was on the account of her pregnancy why she had endured this bizarre thing.
i waited for the other blood results. the Dr. came in and said that although my blood count was a little high, it was no cause for concern. he said to go home and come back if it got any worse.
for the next few days i lived on cloud nine. my weird pains had seemed to dissipate and i had been given an opportunity to grow and nurture this gift inside me. i felt blessed and humbled, and marveled at the day that had given me repose.
December 17, 2012- i awoke with what would normally be conceived as menstrual cramping. i made my way to the bathroom, remembering how i had experienced this cramping with my first pregnancy, and that it was perfectly normal and nothing to worry about. i left the bathroom balling my eyes out as i had come to realize that i was bleeding, heavily. i made my way to my bedroom in the light of the moon, wondering what i had done to deserve this. as a person feeling plagued with resentment towards myself, i had a number of reasons as to why this chance had been taken away from me. my husband awoke at the sound of my cries and asked what was wrong. i told him i was bleeding and had probably lost our baby. i spent the whole day clinging to the hope that i was that percentage that would go on to have a healthy normal pregnancy. bleeding is not completely abnormal during early pregnancy, but i knew in my heart of hearts that this was the end. the next day my suspicion was confirmed and i had indeed miscarried.
i knew i really hadn't done anything to deserve miscarriage, and i knew i had dozens more opportunities to try to conceive....but it was difficult facing the reality that my weight could hold me back from carrying again. it was difficult not to resent myself for all the acts of selfish, destructive behavior.
my road is not paved in gold but rather paved in good health and abundance if i choose to live wiser.
my heart extends to those who have had to say goodbye too soon.
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