today marks two years since my first highly anticipated "due date." (12-11-11) i marvel at all that has come to pass, and how quickly time has flown while having lots of fun. being a mom is next to nothing...it tops all my experiences, and leaves me feeling so very humbled, and fulfilled....which is why i'm pleased to say another baby is on his way! this time, the highly anticipated date looks like this! (2-24-14)
this post isn't all about sharing my excitement, but also about sharing "this" experience. no two births, children, or pregnancies are the same, which is why i need to vent!
i am a prime example of the modern mother who looks toward evidence based medicine and care. i also would say my ideals and values fall heavily within the model of midwifery care. i don't believe that pregnancy is an illness or disease, or something that should be regarded with fear! yes, birth is serious, it's diving into the unknown, and it also can be very intimidating; but fear should never enter the arena, especially from those you have employed to help you in your journey. this is where my frustration starts.
on April 20, 2011, i found out i was unexpectedly pregnant. it was a very surreal and delightful day...and i can say looking back, everyday after that was filled with much of the same. i went into pregnancy not knowing much, and like many women, not knowing i had many options. the only thing i knew for sure was that i wanted to have a natural birth. i wanted to experience birth as nature created and i also wanted to feed my child from my own breasts...that i knew. having no insurance but an income we were happy with, it was exciting to find an option that we could afford and also an option that put me and my body in control of the process. i went through my whole pregnancy feeling empowered, prepared, appreciated, loved and supported. yes, when the labor contractions began, did i fear them...a little- but i also knew without any hesitation that my body and mind were capable and strong. i had prepared myself for this challenge and had spent the last six plus months with a group of women and men seeking the same wonderful experience. again, i had support. my husband was my greatest strength and so were the wonderful midwives that completely transformed my life and views on what birth actually looks and feels like.
last night i had my usual, now bi-weekly, pre-natal visit with my midwife. i do really like my midwife. her name is Cindy and she embraces the natural process of birth, but also falls victim to the heightened annoyances that you find in most medical institutions regarding fear.( that are ever so prevalent in hospitals) you see this time around, we have one meager income and public health insurance. our insurance binds us to a level of care that does not fit into my understanding or psychology of birth. you see here in Maine, numbers are dramatically low, which is to be celebrated. low induction rates, low Cesarean rates, and pain medication for laboring women only found it's way to the labor room earlier this year. (this hospital has been in operation for over thirty years) women here in Maine have natural childbirth. it's a huge part of this culture and i really embrace these non makeup wearing, rough around the edges, breastfeeding, unmedicated birthing, women. ultimately, these institutions practice the evidence based care that this country is so in need of....but i am, by numbers, obese. due to that body mass index number, fear has now become a huge part of my care and completely unnecessarily! yes, i wish my husband wasn't such an amazing cook sometimes, and yes, i wish my desire to curb some of my unhealthy habits came more easily, but it's a work in progress. isn't everything in our lives? yes, i wish i had more cardiovascular strength, but i am a strong woman. i am so strong, that i am not going to let these fear mongers destroy everything i've worked so hard to achieve.
so now the talk is transferring me to a hospital an hour and a half away because this hospital is more equipped to handle all the what ifs...never mind that my pregnancy thus far has been nothing short of a normal, low-risk, healthy pregnancy. i'm not even going to go into all the ridiculous talk i've had to endure! i will take this experience under my belt, push my baby out, and promise to keep my true ambition in front of me...that is to one day become a childbirth educator and doula, and help all those women out there that are being fed fear and prejudice. we women are powerful creatures. we deserve nothing but words of encouragement and opportunity!
i would like to personally thank groups in place like, http://birthwithoutfearblog.com/ and http://plussizebirth.com/blog/psmmblog for enriching the lives, thoughts and attitudes of pregnant women all over the world.
thoughts become things... I WILL BIRTH AND FEED MY BABY!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Winter Solstice
this post is a story about my first birth experience to a little 6 pound 13 ounce baby we named Duncan Grey. the name Duncan came from the surname of my husband's great grandmother, Alexia Odessa Duncan. the name Grey came from my father's brother, Morris Grey, who passed at the young age of 19, by way of a car accident.
it was December 19, 2011 when i first remember the the beginning of my labor. i ate Corned Beef and Cabbage that evening, thinking how funny it would be if i did go into labor that night. i'm pretty sure Corned Beef and Cabbage was the exact meal i had eaten the night i had conceived, so it would be more than appropriate, even uncanny! sure enough, contractions did start to roll. they were questionable, easy, strange. i knew things were different and felt excitement that all the waiting was worth it. i went to bed that night not knowing what would happen next.
i slept through the night, waking at times, shifting, trying to get comfortable. the next morning came, and my contractions were still present but very sporadic. i had a date with my midwife that day...i called in to see if they wanted me to come in, or if i should just stay at home and hope that contractions would pick up. they wanted to see me, even though i didn't want to be seen. i wanted to stay at home, comfortable, and encourage my body to do what it was made to do. my husband put on Indian flute music, and i lay on the couch, looking out through the window at the bare trees, thinking that soon our lives would change forever. my contractions were very curious. i would have a few five to seven minutes apart and then go for lengths without any. it was a bit frustrating and tiresome. as the day went on, i began having to breathe through them. we went to my appointment where they put my on a monitor to see how the baby was doing. he was great, much better than his antsy mom was doing. i had declined internal checks up to this point, even though i was 9 days past my due date, simply because i didn't want to get my hopes up and then be let down. today was different. i was so curious as to the strides my body had been making the last 30 hours. 1 centimeter. i had dilated 1 centimeter. it was depressing, although i was 80 percent effaced. it wasn't all bad, i learned that baby was in the right position for labor and was at station zero, which means the baby had officially engaged into my pelvis. my midwife asked if i would like her to sweep my membranes, which can make labor progress, i agreed. we also agreed that if contractions did not pick up very soon, that in a day, i would come back first thing in the morning to start what my midwives jokingly called, eviction day. i would bring my black and blue Cohash that had been purchased and guarded by my kitchen cabinet. my midwives might even make me a special Castor oil milkshake....i was also to continue all the natural induction methods i had been using for almost two weeks. i had been taking evening primrose oil religiously, and going for walks, trying everything. i was visited my friend from out of town that evening, who was home for Christmas. he brought me a warm yummy drink and we sat around chatting for quite awhile. my contractions were still coming, but noticed that i was having to focus more than before. they were definitely starting to get painful and i crossed my fingers that tonight could be the night.
i slept horribly! i awoke thinking today would be a great day to have a baby! 12/21/11 i'm kind of into numbers...anyhow, i started the day encouraging this little being inside of me to make himself known. i had to get this baby out or tomorrow i would have to evict him. i spent the day with my husband walking and talking, eating, cleaning...i started using a Rebozo, which is a long flat garment used by women in Mexico. it can be used to promote proper baby position and aides in relaxation during labor. my contractions were still inconsistent, but i was having a hard time getting through them so i knew good things were coming.
evening came and my contractions had become closer together. i was having them every 3-5 minutes, lasting about a minute. our protocol for being a first time mother was come in when you are at 3-2-1. contractions three minutes apart, lasting a minute, ongoing for two hours. as my husband and i retired for the night, we attempted to try something we hadn't...nipple stimulation. it was another natural induction method that we had sort of forgot about. wow, that sped things up like crazy. it sped things up so much that i started having contraction on top of contraction. i told my husband to call the midwife as i was all of the sudden worried i wouldn't make it to the birth center on time to have this baby. i couldn't talk very well, i couldn't think very well, but at 11 PM i was up and in the car. i endured the fifteen minute drive to the birth center where i was met by the most beautiful, soothing, birthing goddess. my midwife guided me inside where she performed an internal exam. i had dilated to about 4 centimeters....that's it i thought! we decided that i should walk around the birthing suite for an hour, without nipple stimulation, to see how i would progress. it wasn't really until this time that i had realized i had been holding back. i guess you could say, i was fighting back and not allowing my baby to move through my body. she sensed this right away and for the first time i began letting my contractions move through me as though i was going to rip in half. i started using vocalization too, which really helped. she came back into the room about an hour later, gave me another exam and said i hadn't progressed very much. i was in so much discomfort that i felt i was at my contractions mercy. she then gave me options. i could stay at the center, and work on my labor, or she could give me a bit of morphine, send me home for a nights rest and come back first thing in the morning. she said the morphine would allow me to sleep although it would not stop my labor. i was discouraged and tired and decided a night of sleep was what i needed. after all, birthing a baby is hard work and i hadn't had much sleep the past two nights. a shot in the bum and we were headed for home. i lay in my bed, waiting for contractions to settle but they didn't. i was angry at myself for not just staying and birthing my baby....i suppose being a larger woman, the morphine hadn't affected me like it would a more average sized woman. i needed relief and couldn't lay in bed all night with these crazy contractions. i told my husband i would draw a bath and rest in the bathroom. he followed me in and sat with me the whole night. apparently i would doze off, but would wake with each contraction. my sweet husband...he sat there the whole night timing my contractions, making sure i was safe in my morphine induced state and waited patiently till the morning. my bag of waters broke sometime in the early morning with the pressure of an intense contraction. when sunrise came, my husband got me up, dressed and prepared me eggs and toast. i couldn't eat. i was still so hypnotic and questioned if i was going to be able to do this. my husband calmly said to me that we could go to the hospital if i really wanted , but that i had made it this far, and that i could do this for our son. he was right, i could do this!
December 22, 2011 Winter Solstice-by the time we got to the birth center, i was feeling less groggy. i again was met by my birthing coach and immediately began an internal exam...six, close to seven centimeters! it was at this point i flung all the doubt and frustration out the window, and thought, let's have this baby! i had progressed far enough that i could now get into the tub. i had wanted to birth my baby in water. the water felt great, but it was seemingly slowing my labor down so i got out and was met with a birth assistant. my husband had been performing all the labor relieving tactics up to this point, but the assistant took over. she had me moving around, doing lounges, providing me with water, reminding me to pee...she was my doula and helped to support my husband as well. i couldn't find a comfortable position to save my life and so back into the tub i went. i loved feeling the water hug my big belly...i soon inquired when i could start pushing. i had been laboring at the center for about three and a half hours at this point, when my midwife had come in. she said, try to push and if it feels good, do it! if it doesn't, stop. i gave a nice push, and nothing hurt. i pushed again. i decided i wanted out of the water, as i couldn't get into a solid position. i made me way to the bed and began pushing....i started to have surges, and knew it wouldn't be long now. after about 45 minutes of pushing, my son's heartbeat started to drop. the umbilical cord was wrapped around his arm and the contractions were pushing him through the birth canal causing strain on his oxygen flow...i needed oxygen for him. my midwife called on my other midwife to come in and assist. i had oxygen strapped to my face, and all i remember is my husband standing next to me on the right, coaching me to breathe for our little Duncan. breathe, he kept telling me. our baby needs oxygen, breathe! close to an hour of pushing and one of my midwives takes my hand and draws it below to the large head, full of hair, i had been working so hard to push out. his head was out! i could do this. my midwife says to me, come'on Paige, we have to get him out! i took some deep breathes, waited for a surge, and roared like the loudest lion has ever roared. my midwife caught him and laid him on my shriveled stomach. this moment i will never forget.. he was so small...the cord had stopped pulsating very quickly and my husband made cuts to severe it. i took my sweet little babe to my chest and with my husband began spouting words of love and excitement as i birthed the beautiful placenta that had kept him safe. later that eve we were able to go home with our new son. we were met by family excited to meet the little boy that had made us all wait for so long.
Duncan was more than worth the pain, sweat and tears. he made me a mother. he gave me strength i didn't know i had. i am so blessed that i was able to have this natural, empowered experience. Duncan will always be our sweet solstice baby, and the best Christmas gift we could have ever asked for.
it was December 19, 2011 when i first remember the the beginning of my labor. i ate Corned Beef and Cabbage that evening, thinking how funny it would be if i did go into labor that night. i'm pretty sure Corned Beef and Cabbage was the exact meal i had eaten the night i had conceived, so it would be more than appropriate, even uncanny! sure enough, contractions did start to roll. they were questionable, easy, strange. i knew things were different and felt excitement that all the waiting was worth it. i went to bed that night not knowing what would happen next.
i slept through the night, waking at times, shifting, trying to get comfortable. the next morning came, and my contractions were still present but very sporadic. i had a date with my midwife that day...i called in to see if they wanted me to come in, or if i should just stay at home and hope that contractions would pick up. they wanted to see me, even though i didn't want to be seen. i wanted to stay at home, comfortable, and encourage my body to do what it was made to do. my husband put on Indian flute music, and i lay on the couch, looking out through the window at the bare trees, thinking that soon our lives would change forever. my contractions were very curious. i would have a few five to seven minutes apart and then go for lengths without any. it was a bit frustrating and tiresome. as the day went on, i began having to breathe through them. we went to my appointment where they put my on a monitor to see how the baby was doing. he was great, much better than his antsy mom was doing. i had declined internal checks up to this point, even though i was 9 days past my due date, simply because i didn't want to get my hopes up and then be let down. today was different. i was so curious as to the strides my body had been making the last 30 hours. 1 centimeter. i had dilated 1 centimeter. it was depressing, although i was 80 percent effaced. it wasn't all bad, i learned that baby was in the right position for labor and was at station zero, which means the baby had officially engaged into my pelvis. my midwife asked if i would like her to sweep my membranes, which can make labor progress, i agreed. we also agreed that if contractions did not pick up very soon, that in a day, i would come back first thing in the morning to start what my midwives jokingly called, eviction day. i would bring my black and blue Cohash that had been purchased and guarded by my kitchen cabinet. my midwives might even make me a special Castor oil milkshake....i was also to continue all the natural induction methods i had been using for almost two weeks. i had been taking evening primrose oil religiously, and going for walks, trying everything. i was visited my friend from out of town that evening, who was home for Christmas. he brought me a warm yummy drink and we sat around chatting for quite awhile. my contractions were still coming, but noticed that i was having to focus more than before. they were definitely starting to get painful and i crossed my fingers that tonight could be the night.
i slept horribly! i awoke thinking today would be a great day to have a baby! 12/21/11 i'm kind of into numbers...anyhow, i started the day encouraging this little being inside of me to make himself known. i had to get this baby out or tomorrow i would have to evict him. i spent the day with my husband walking and talking, eating, cleaning...i started using a Rebozo, which is a long flat garment used by women in Mexico. it can be used to promote proper baby position and aides in relaxation during labor. my contractions were still inconsistent, but i was having a hard time getting through them so i knew good things were coming.
evening came and my contractions had become closer together. i was having them every 3-5 minutes, lasting about a minute. our protocol for being a first time mother was come in when you are at 3-2-1. contractions three minutes apart, lasting a minute, ongoing for two hours. as my husband and i retired for the night, we attempted to try something we hadn't...nipple stimulation. it was another natural induction method that we had sort of forgot about. wow, that sped things up like crazy. it sped things up so much that i started having contraction on top of contraction. i told my husband to call the midwife as i was all of the sudden worried i wouldn't make it to the birth center on time to have this baby. i couldn't talk very well, i couldn't think very well, but at 11 PM i was up and in the car. i endured the fifteen minute drive to the birth center where i was met by the most beautiful, soothing, birthing goddess. my midwife guided me inside where she performed an internal exam. i had dilated to about 4 centimeters....that's it i thought! we decided that i should walk around the birthing suite for an hour, without nipple stimulation, to see how i would progress. it wasn't really until this time that i had realized i had been holding back. i guess you could say, i was fighting back and not allowing my baby to move through my body. she sensed this right away and for the first time i began letting my contractions move through me as though i was going to rip in half. i started using vocalization too, which really helped. she came back into the room about an hour later, gave me another exam and said i hadn't progressed very much. i was in so much discomfort that i felt i was at my contractions mercy. she then gave me options. i could stay at the center, and work on my labor, or she could give me a bit of morphine, send me home for a nights rest and come back first thing in the morning. she said the morphine would allow me to sleep although it would not stop my labor. i was discouraged and tired and decided a night of sleep was what i needed. after all, birthing a baby is hard work and i hadn't had much sleep the past two nights. a shot in the bum and we were headed for home. i lay in my bed, waiting for contractions to settle but they didn't. i was angry at myself for not just staying and birthing my baby....i suppose being a larger woman, the morphine hadn't affected me like it would a more average sized woman. i needed relief and couldn't lay in bed all night with these crazy contractions. i told my husband i would draw a bath and rest in the bathroom. he followed me in and sat with me the whole night. apparently i would doze off, but would wake with each contraction. my sweet husband...he sat there the whole night timing my contractions, making sure i was safe in my morphine induced state and waited patiently till the morning. my bag of waters broke sometime in the early morning with the pressure of an intense contraction. when sunrise came, my husband got me up, dressed and prepared me eggs and toast. i couldn't eat. i was still so hypnotic and questioned if i was going to be able to do this. my husband calmly said to me that we could go to the hospital if i really wanted , but that i had made it this far, and that i could do this for our son. he was right, i could do this!
December 22, 2011 Winter Solstice-by the time we got to the birth center, i was feeling less groggy. i again was met by my birthing coach and immediately began an internal exam...six, close to seven centimeters! it was at this point i flung all the doubt and frustration out the window, and thought, let's have this baby! i had progressed far enough that i could now get into the tub. i had wanted to birth my baby in water. the water felt great, but it was seemingly slowing my labor down so i got out and was met with a birth assistant. my husband had been performing all the labor relieving tactics up to this point, but the assistant took over. she had me moving around, doing lounges, providing me with water, reminding me to pee...she was my doula and helped to support my husband as well. i couldn't find a comfortable position to save my life and so back into the tub i went. i loved feeling the water hug my big belly...i soon inquired when i could start pushing. i had been laboring at the center for about three and a half hours at this point, when my midwife had come in. she said, try to push and if it feels good, do it! if it doesn't, stop. i gave a nice push, and nothing hurt. i pushed again. i decided i wanted out of the water, as i couldn't get into a solid position. i made me way to the bed and began pushing....i started to have surges, and knew it wouldn't be long now. after about 45 minutes of pushing, my son's heartbeat started to drop. the umbilical cord was wrapped around his arm and the contractions were pushing him through the birth canal causing strain on his oxygen flow...i needed oxygen for him. my midwife called on my other midwife to come in and assist. i had oxygen strapped to my face, and all i remember is my husband standing next to me on the right, coaching me to breathe for our little Duncan. breathe, he kept telling me. our baby needs oxygen, breathe! close to an hour of pushing and one of my midwives takes my hand and draws it below to the large head, full of hair, i had been working so hard to push out. his head was out! i could do this. my midwife says to me, come'on Paige, we have to get him out! i took some deep breathes, waited for a surge, and roared like the loudest lion has ever roared. my midwife caught him and laid him on my shriveled stomach. this moment i will never forget.. he was so small...the cord had stopped pulsating very quickly and my husband made cuts to severe it. i took my sweet little babe to my chest and with my husband began spouting words of love and excitement as i birthed the beautiful placenta that had kept him safe. later that eve we were able to go home with our new son. we were met by family excited to meet the little boy that had made us all wait for so long.
Duncan was more than worth the pain, sweat and tears. he made me a mother. he gave me strength i didn't know i had. i am so blessed that i was able to have this natural, empowered experience. Duncan will always be our sweet solstice baby, and the best Christmas gift we could have ever asked for.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
my story of loss.
i'll never forget two particular dates and two distinct emotions quite contrary to one another.
December 14, 2012- after weeks of weird chest, back and arm pains, i decided to take my worry to the emergency room. could i have a heart attack? the fear of losing my life and subsequently losing my family was a fear that i think would convince anyone to seek medical attention. over the course of those few weeks, i really evaluated what my life meant to me, and how my life affects the people i love the most. my sweet baby boy...i couldn't fathom the thought of him losing me or i losing him. it's almost as if my true purpose in life sprang from this little life form that encompasses the true understanding of pure love. he is my blood and my breath. he is my spirit and my creation. he is my light...and with that i took grave concern.
at the hospital, a few tests were administered. they performed an Electrocardiogram which checked the electrical activity of my heart. test was normal. next, they wanted to take an x-ray of my chest. they had me hop onto a gurney and off i went. as i am lying there about to take the test, i am asked if there is anyway i might be pregnant. "well, yes, my husband and i are trying to conceive," i said. so i was taken back to my room where they drew some blood for a pregnancy test and also to have another test performed that would check for clots and/or the likelihood of a stroke. i have to admit, i was a bit frustrated due to what i perceived as an inconvenience. i just wanted to know if i was ok! i wanted to know if there was any reason to be worried, or if i was just subject to stress, which is what my husband was convinced was happening. i wanted answers....and i didn't want to wait.
the nurse asked if i wanted to watch some t.v. but felt reluctant giving me the remote since i was not aware what had taken place at the Sandy Hook Elementary School that morning. i sat in that room, feeling as though my heart had been ripped out, and remember thinking that i was perfectly ok compared to these little children that had been taken. after about 3 minutes, i turned it off. i had the details and spent the rest of the time wondering why anyone would do this, and also, why anyone would sit in front of the television, intentionally, watching this horrific tale of tragedy.
i waited forever. emergency room visit's are the worst. i just wanted to know that i was going to live so that i could get home to my son who was being watched by my very sweet brother in law. Duncan had never been left this long without me before, i was going stir crazy. i waited some more, then waited...and waited. when my nurse walked into my room, i almost jumped for joy. finally, we could get the ball rolling. she walked over to her computer and said,"would you like to know your results?" yes, of course... this was a stupid question but i guess a necessary question. "yes," i said. she turned to me and said, "you are!" i am?.... i'm pregnant? really?! i was hoping to get pregnant in December but it was also the first month we had started trying. our first pregnancy with Duncan was completely unplanned and very surprising, so i was excited it had happened so easily and soon. i think at this point i had completely forgot about any of the fears or pains i had been having. i asked her if i could use my phone to call my husband. i called my husband at work and told him my EKG had come out normal and that they had wanted to do a chest x-ray but that i was pregnant, so they couldn't! we spent a few minutes basking in the good news and told him i would see him at home.
in my head, the news of this pregnancy gave light to what might have been happening with me. i had a friend, who during early pregnancy, suffered a stroke and thankfully recovered very quickly. she later gave birth to a healthy baby girl. i couldn't give you details as to why this happened, but it was on the account of her pregnancy why she had endured this bizarre thing.
i waited for the other blood results. the Dr. came in and said that although my blood count was a little high, it was no cause for concern. he said to go home and come back if it got any worse.
for the next few days i lived on cloud nine. my weird pains had seemed to dissipate and i had been given an opportunity to grow and nurture this gift inside me. i felt blessed and humbled, and marveled at the day that had given me repose.
December 17, 2012- i awoke with what would normally be conceived as menstrual cramping. i made my way to the bathroom, remembering how i had experienced this cramping with my first pregnancy, and that it was perfectly normal and nothing to worry about. i left the bathroom balling my eyes out as i had come to realize that i was bleeding, heavily. i made my way to my bedroom in the light of the moon, wondering what i had done to deserve this. as a person feeling plagued with resentment towards myself, i had a number of reasons as to why this chance had been taken away from me. my husband awoke at the sound of my cries and asked what was wrong. i told him i was bleeding and had probably lost our baby. i spent the whole day clinging to the hope that i was that percentage that would go on to have a healthy normal pregnancy. bleeding is not completely abnormal during early pregnancy, but i knew in my heart of hearts that this was the end. the next day my suspicion was confirmed and i had indeed miscarried.
i knew i really hadn't done anything to deserve miscarriage, and i knew i had dozens more opportunities to try to conceive....but it was difficult facing the reality that my weight could hold me back from carrying again. it was difficult not to resent myself for all the acts of selfish, destructive behavior.
my road is not paved in gold but rather paved in good health and abundance if i choose to live wiser.
my heart extends to those who have had to say goodbye too soon.
December 14, 2012- after weeks of weird chest, back and arm pains, i decided to take my worry to the emergency room. could i have a heart attack? the fear of losing my life and subsequently losing my family was a fear that i think would convince anyone to seek medical attention. over the course of those few weeks, i really evaluated what my life meant to me, and how my life affects the people i love the most. my sweet baby boy...i couldn't fathom the thought of him losing me or i losing him. it's almost as if my true purpose in life sprang from this little life form that encompasses the true understanding of pure love. he is my blood and my breath. he is my spirit and my creation. he is my light...and with that i took grave concern.
at the hospital, a few tests were administered. they performed an Electrocardiogram which checked the electrical activity of my heart. test was normal. next, they wanted to take an x-ray of my chest. they had me hop onto a gurney and off i went. as i am lying there about to take the test, i am asked if there is anyway i might be pregnant. "well, yes, my husband and i are trying to conceive," i said. so i was taken back to my room where they drew some blood for a pregnancy test and also to have another test performed that would check for clots and/or the likelihood of a stroke. i have to admit, i was a bit frustrated due to what i perceived as an inconvenience. i just wanted to know if i was ok! i wanted to know if there was any reason to be worried, or if i was just subject to stress, which is what my husband was convinced was happening. i wanted answers....and i didn't want to wait.
the nurse asked if i wanted to watch some t.v. but felt reluctant giving me the remote since i was not aware what had taken place at the Sandy Hook Elementary School that morning. i sat in that room, feeling as though my heart had been ripped out, and remember thinking that i was perfectly ok compared to these little children that had been taken. after about 3 minutes, i turned it off. i had the details and spent the rest of the time wondering why anyone would do this, and also, why anyone would sit in front of the television, intentionally, watching this horrific tale of tragedy.
i waited forever. emergency room visit's are the worst. i just wanted to know that i was going to live so that i could get home to my son who was being watched by my very sweet brother in law. Duncan had never been left this long without me before, i was going stir crazy. i waited some more, then waited...and waited. when my nurse walked into my room, i almost jumped for joy. finally, we could get the ball rolling. she walked over to her computer and said,"would you like to know your results?" yes, of course... this was a stupid question but i guess a necessary question. "yes," i said. she turned to me and said, "you are!" i am?.... i'm pregnant? really?! i was hoping to get pregnant in December but it was also the first month we had started trying. our first pregnancy with Duncan was completely unplanned and very surprising, so i was excited it had happened so easily and soon. i think at this point i had completely forgot about any of the fears or pains i had been having. i asked her if i could use my phone to call my husband. i called my husband at work and told him my EKG had come out normal and that they had wanted to do a chest x-ray but that i was pregnant, so they couldn't! we spent a few minutes basking in the good news and told him i would see him at home.
in my head, the news of this pregnancy gave light to what might have been happening with me. i had a friend, who during early pregnancy, suffered a stroke and thankfully recovered very quickly. she later gave birth to a healthy baby girl. i couldn't give you details as to why this happened, but it was on the account of her pregnancy why she had endured this bizarre thing.
i waited for the other blood results. the Dr. came in and said that although my blood count was a little high, it was no cause for concern. he said to go home and come back if it got any worse.
for the next few days i lived on cloud nine. my weird pains had seemed to dissipate and i had been given an opportunity to grow and nurture this gift inside me. i felt blessed and humbled, and marveled at the day that had given me repose.
December 17, 2012- i awoke with what would normally be conceived as menstrual cramping. i made my way to the bathroom, remembering how i had experienced this cramping with my first pregnancy, and that it was perfectly normal and nothing to worry about. i left the bathroom balling my eyes out as i had come to realize that i was bleeding, heavily. i made my way to my bedroom in the light of the moon, wondering what i had done to deserve this. as a person feeling plagued with resentment towards myself, i had a number of reasons as to why this chance had been taken away from me. my husband awoke at the sound of my cries and asked what was wrong. i told him i was bleeding and had probably lost our baby. i spent the whole day clinging to the hope that i was that percentage that would go on to have a healthy normal pregnancy. bleeding is not completely abnormal during early pregnancy, but i knew in my heart of hearts that this was the end. the next day my suspicion was confirmed and i had indeed miscarried.
i knew i really hadn't done anything to deserve miscarriage, and i knew i had dozens more opportunities to try to conceive....but it was difficult facing the reality that my weight could hold me back from carrying again. it was difficult not to resent myself for all the acts of selfish, destructive behavior.
my road is not paved in gold but rather paved in good health and abundance if i choose to live wiser.
my heart extends to those who have had to say goodbye too soon.
Monday, August 12, 2013
my one good friend...
everyone needs at least one good friend. if you find yourself to have been blessed with more, than consider yourself very lucky. my one good (true) friend recently came to stay with me for a few days before heading off on a grand adventure. this dear old friend knows me better than most anybody, although my husband would probably beg to differ. my dear old friend came bearing such an extraordinary gift during our visit, although i wasn't completely open to receiving it while he was here, and i'm sure he wasn't quite aware that he had even brought a gift. no, it wasn't a knick knack from his travels or something he's been holding onto for years, waiting for the perfect time to bestow it upon me. it isn't something that can fit in a box or get delivered by the mail man. it's something only a dear old friend can give and it's perspective.
for the past few months i have been trying to keep this blog alive, but every time i sit to write, my page is filled with words of frustration and sorrow. i've shared a fraction of the inner turmoil i've experienced in my very short lifetime, which has felt to continually grow into this web of desolation and fear. i was broken with no answers, no illumination. i continued to wake and take in oxygen each day knowing my desire for resolve was great, but having absolutely positively no ability to make sense of what i needed to get there, nor the emotional stability to get through the day. i started to question the chemicals flowing through my brain and wondered if i would ever be the same again. now, i must not continue further without stating how utterly transcendent my world would become when my eyes would meet those of my sons'. i guess you could say the only thing that gave each day form was the pure, radiant light that shown through my son's eyes. children are truly a blessing....and so is a true friend.
leave it to someone who knows you well to give you a little perspective. it feels good to have someone who knows you remind you of who you are, especially when you're lost. so many things became so crystal clear as if i had taken a time machine back to the past where i began, where i discovered who i am, where my life made sense, where i didn't feel like a stranger in a strange land; and to be able to remember what compassion feels like. i realized how small and devastating my world had become and what i needed to do to reclaim myself. this is by no means a small task, but i feel equipped now to live in the present and move forward with purpose.
who knows what the next season will bring, however, i know what i will bring to the next season. life is too exciting of an experience to not chase it and engage it. if i've learned anything in life, it's to be true to yourself... embark on new journeys and new ways, but never feel the need to be something or do something that does not make you happy.
if you would like to follow the adventures and musings of my one good friend making his way across the country, follow him here,
http://traversingqueer.blogspot.com
for the past few months i have been trying to keep this blog alive, but every time i sit to write, my page is filled with words of frustration and sorrow. i've shared a fraction of the inner turmoil i've experienced in my very short lifetime, which has felt to continually grow into this web of desolation and fear. i was broken with no answers, no illumination. i continued to wake and take in oxygen each day knowing my desire for resolve was great, but having absolutely positively no ability to make sense of what i needed to get there, nor the emotional stability to get through the day. i started to question the chemicals flowing through my brain and wondered if i would ever be the same again. now, i must not continue further without stating how utterly transcendent my world would become when my eyes would meet those of my sons'. i guess you could say the only thing that gave each day form was the pure, radiant light that shown through my son's eyes. children are truly a blessing....and so is a true friend.
leave it to someone who knows you well to give you a little perspective. it feels good to have someone who knows you remind you of who you are, especially when you're lost. so many things became so crystal clear as if i had taken a time machine back to the past where i began, where i discovered who i am, where my life made sense, where i didn't feel like a stranger in a strange land; and to be able to remember what compassion feels like. i realized how small and devastating my world had become and what i needed to do to reclaim myself. this is by no means a small task, but i feel equipped now to live in the present and move forward with purpose.
who knows what the next season will bring, however, i know what i will bring to the next season. life is too exciting of an experience to not chase it and engage it. if i've learned anything in life, it's to be true to yourself... embark on new journeys and new ways, but never feel the need to be something or do something that does not make you happy.
if you would like to follow the adventures and musings of my one good friend making his way across the country, follow him here,
http://traversingqueer.blogspot.com
Monday, May 6, 2013
a platform from which to jump beyond myself...
i have been hesitant to post because a lack of weight loss makes a blog about weight loss rather pointless, right? i'm glad you understand my dilemma...as you may know, my husband and i recently packed up and moved 2600 miles away from our family. i have absolutely no reservations about taking this step, however, my emotions are at an all time high and i'd like to take you on a journey to the past where i might be able to portray the condition in which i now find myself. don't get me wrong, change towards health IS in progress, it's just not at the rate i'm comfortable with. let me explain...
lets go back in time to 2006 where there is a new project on my horizon. although there are many areas of my life that are in need of improvement, i always manage to find ways to shake up my soul and harden my muscles. my neighbor Jane, who is absolutely wonderful and someone i look up to, has been toying with what to do with a mound of dirt and weeds she regrets to call her front yard. after a little talking and much day dreaming on my part, we decide to execute a plan to xeriscape, which is really the only smart way to go in a desert climate. for those who have no idea what i'm referring to, xeriscaping is a way of landscaping or gardening that eliminates or reduces the need for supplemental water. so after running some numbers and getting supplies together, a friend and i get tilling. over the next few weeks, our project takes great form. my free time consists of hauling rock and planting perennials. ah, to be outside... the sun, nothing short of bliss. my body is working mechanically, doing what it loves and craves. my brain is stimulated by design and transformation. my heart, whole and happy; having an opportunity to do something wonderful for Jane, who has been contemplating what to do with her yard for nearly a decade. another perfect platform from which to jump beyond myself.
it is now 2013 and i am an overweight mother. i have this little bundle of boyhood that excites every part of my waking moment. he is my reason for waking up each day and living it to its fullest capacity. i have learned so many lessons from him and couldn't possibly comprehend living a life without him in it....but how many hours are there in a day? i am in a constant state of, stay at home mom gets nothing accomplished, while it was always rigorous activities and a bounty of projects that helped me to stay well. with 2600 miles distance from my family, there are no opportunities to call on my mother or mother-in-law and say, hey, come on over and watch the little guy because i'm itching to get my hands dirty. living in a new place takes time to build trusted connections, but even so, i am not out there as i have been, working, meeting new people, creating connections. i in a way, have taken backseat to my own life and while there are so many things to be grateful for, my time is not quite my own. i have a new role and am adjusting quite slowly. nap times are handy, but they are fleeting. i find myself situating my son in front of a television to take a shower....and while my emotions get the best of the reflection in the mirror, i know that i am making changes in other ways, that the mirror doesn't see. so please forgive me, friends, i have not let you all down. i have not let myself down, i am only learning to live my life differently than before. i am trying to find ways to fulfill my happiness, that will reflect on my bathroom scale. i am trying to enjoy exercise that comes in the form of a boy named Duncan. i am trying...i am trying so that i might see my son grow and succeed, and learn that nothing worthwhile in this life comes easy or without patience.
adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
lets go back in time to 2006 where there is a new project on my horizon. although there are many areas of my life that are in need of improvement, i always manage to find ways to shake up my soul and harden my muscles. my neighbor Jane, who is absolutely wonderful and someone i look up to, has been toying with what to do with a mound of dirt and weeds she regrets to call her front yard. after a little talking and much day dreaming on my part, we decide to execute a plan to xeriscape, which is really the only smart way to go in a desert climate. for those who have no idea what i'm referring to, xeriscaping is a way of landscaping or gardening that eliminates or reduces the need for supplemental water. so after running some numbers and getting supplies together, a friend and i get tilling. over the next few weeks, our project takes great form. my free time consists of hauling rock and planting perennials. ah, to be outside... the sun, nothing short of bliss. my body is working mechanically, doing what it loves and craves. my brain is stimulated by design and transformation. my heart, whole and happy; having an opportunity to do something wonderful for Jane, who has been contemplating what to do with her yard for nearly a decade. another perfect platform from which to jump beyond myself.
it is now 2013 and i am an overweight mother. i have this little bundle of boyhood that excites every part of my waking moment. he is my reason for waking up each day and living it to its fullest capacity. i have learned so many lessons from him and couldn't possibly comprehend living a life without him in it....but how many hours are there in a day? i am in a constant state of, stay at home mom gets nothing accomplished, while it was always rigorous activities and a bounty of projects that helped me to stay well. with 2600 miles distance from my family, there are no opportunities to call on my mother or mother-in-law and say, hey, come on over and watch the little guy because i'm itching to get my hands dirty. living in a new place takes time to build trusted connections, but even so, i am not out there as i have been, working, meeting new people, creating connections. i in a way, have taken backseat to my own life and while there are so many things to be grateful for, my time is not quite my own. i have a new role and am adjusting quite slowly. nap times are handy, but they are fleeting. i find myself situating my son in front of a television to take a shower....and while my emotions get the best of the reflection in the mirror, i know that i am making changes in other ways, that the mirror doesn't see. so please forgive me, friends, i have not let you all down. i have not let myself down, i am only learning to live my life differently than before. i am trying to find ways to fulfill my happiness, that will reflect on my bathroom scale. i am trying to enjoy exercise that comes in the form of a boy named Duncan. i am trying...i am trying so that i might see my son grow and succeed, and learn that nothing worthwhile in this life comes easy or without patience.
adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sunday, January 20, 2013
the, i'll deal with it later, abyss.
i guess you could say that my weight has always been an issue, like it is for a vast number of people. one of the many joys in life, food. our genetic code can play a role in how we utilize the food we eat, but for myself, it's much more. i was always the chunky, tall girl, always thankful for the tall genes. i did what most children my age did. rode bikes, danced, participated in sports....but no matter how much effort i put in, not realizing it was important at the time, i continued to fill out and feel very insecure with my body and had no clue what i was made of. my weight slowly began to burden me more and more, and i began to participate less and less. defeat in a young child's mind is extremely hazardous, not having the experience as an adult to combat the cruelty of life; and to know better than to let it actually harden us. none the less, i grew very fearful but did not want others to see myself the way i did. i clung to every outlet that helped me to feel "normal." i had many groups of friends, and also felt very alive as part of a very special circle. those girls, who very much accepted me as i was, still had no real idea of what hid behind my smile. i was known for being very smiley, which has been a nickname given by many people in my life. i apparently knew how to tune out the hurt and display an image that would distract people from what i did not want them to notice. i did enjoy all the goodness in life, if only i could have felt better about my body. although no parent wants to hear this, i was constantly compared to cousins and others, which only added to reasons for self doubt and poor self esteem. my grandmother and mother teamed up and enrolled me in Weight Watchers. i remember feeling very odd paired with these much older people, but i was starved for change and knew no other way.
it's funny. i don't actually remember eating too much. i remember having a love for food, yes, but i don't remember eating more than was normal. however, i did sneak cheese on a regular basis and as i said in another post, sugar, was always acceptable. i believe that is were my true problem lies.
sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade....i started to feel better. i started to notice boys noticing me. i thought, great! people who can see me for more than i see myself. i had a particular little fellow who loved to draw me pictures. he would constantly hand me funny images with sweet sentiments....then one day, he handed me a paper with a sketched Garfield the Cat that said, "round is beautiful." i could have died. a fourteen year old girl does not want to be reminded that she is round! in hindsight, he was more mature than boys his age. i'm sure he has made a plump woman somewhere, very happy.
i was able to have good and bad experiences, of course, but the more i focused on others and not myself, the more i found myself in situations where guys wanted to take advantage. this area of the post is a bit personal but it is also a huge part of my struggle for self and my inability to recognize my personal worth. luckily, the string of young men who wanted nothing other than to fill their own desires, were stupid and invasive, and taught me a lot about the boundaries and limits that even a shattered girl, like myself, wanted to emplace.
high school was full of theatrical productions and teaming with some of the "avant-garde" students that fit the bill for acceptance and excitement. i enjoyed those times and was able to further stuff my image problems down into the, i'll deal with it later, abyss.
my young adult life began to take shape and what the future held, was uncertain. my need to create a healthy life, certainly was not certain. having been pushed and pulled, tormented from within and out, i had no idea what i wanted. drugs, homelessness, moving to and fro, starting never finishing, i watched my weight go up and down, a lot! i had met the best of people and also the worst of people. having grown up in Las Vegas, i was not unfamiliar with seedy low life street beggars and i had become a street kid myself, thankful for the programs in place that allowed me to eat. although this lifestyle certainly did not please me, looking back, it was an accumulation of all the fear and doubt that i had held onto for so long. i'm sure for those who have never found themselves in these sort of situations, can not even begin to comprehend these actions, but it's real. i found others, like myself, just looking for something to hold on to. something that could give us worth and significance because we couldn't find it.
then, around 2003, having quit the hard stuff and on my way to recovery, i remember feeling so alone. so crazy. so lucky, that i hadn't lost myself through it all. i got back on my feet and started to make heads of all the crap i allowed to happen. as i begun to make sense of it all, there was still this pain. this agonizing pain. i still wasn't happy. my friendships and relationships, didn't make me happy. i needed to feel good about myself, but i just couldn't do it. i gave myself every reason that i could, but to no deliver.
one day, year 2007, my friend called me up and said,"let's go get lunch!" sure! i was always up for an eating adventure. we met at Tony Caputo's Market and Deli and i walked in with only lunch on my mind. however, i left with a part time job. supplementing your income, never a bad thing. as i was sitting on the patio with my roasted pepper sandwich on foccacia, Manchego cheese, oil, vinegar and greens, i had a thought i couldn't shake. i turned to my friend and said,"i'm going to meet someone special here!" a few days later, i am united with my future husband. we were wed on May 30, 2009 and he truly loves me for exactly what i was, and still loves me for who i am today. for the past three and a half years, he has encouraged me to become the Paige i've never been. we've worked at this together, losing and gaining, and through it all, i know i'vegained a few things i never had before. i am whole and complete, just as i am. we've had many adventures, even very hard times when we've wanted to give up on our dreams. he's always there though, encouraging me, loving me, leading me.
April 20, 2011, we learned of some surprising news. we were pregnant and going to have a baby!!! although, even at 31, i didn't feel ready to have a child. as you may know, babies come anyway, and the pregnancy, really, was all i could ever hope for. i loved it, minus the misaligned pelvis due to too much hormone, Relaxin. it caused A LOT of pain and it made everything more difficult, but i loved it. i loved that there was this little human being growing inside of me, and it was made between the love my husband and i share. my pregnancy was flawless. my baby and i were healthy throughout and i couldn't have been more blessed. near the end, i started seeing a wonderful chiropractor to aid in helping me deliver our son naturally, with no interventions. women with PGP, pelvic girdle pain, are said to have complications with a vaginal birth due to a misaligned pelvis. i was determined to have a quiet, peaceful birth and i did! what an EMPOWERING experience. Duncan came naturally, with the help from my husband and our wonderful midwives, December 22, 2012, the Winter Solstice!
55 pounds i had gained....so that puts me at about 120 pounds heavier than that of my wedding day. 120 pounds heavier than i could have ever imagined. i guess the second helping of ice cream during pregnancy is only ok if you can loose the weight after pregnancy. i sit here today, feeling good about losing 30 pounds of it, but i have have so much further to go. if at any point i thought it would be hard, it's now. i am a stay at home mom, who needs to get more active. i've always relied on working to keep my weight off.
it's now 2013. i started this blog to track my progress and to possibly help those that may have similar experiences. i am usually a very private person when it comes to certain things but letting go is a necessary step, at least i think it is for myself. in order to know where you are going, i think it's important to take a look at where you were at.
Our achievements of today are but the sum total of our thoughts of yesterday. You are today where the thoughts of yesterday have brought you and you will be tomorrow where the thoughts of today take you. -Blaise Pascal
it's funny. i don't actually remember eating too much. i remember having a love for food, yes, but i don't remember eating more than was normal. however, i did sneak cheese on a regular basis and as i said in another post, sugar, was always acceptable. i believe that is were my true problem lies.
sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade....i started to feel better. i started to notice boys noticing me. i thought, great! people who can see me for more than i see myself. i had a particular little fellow who loved to draw me pictures. he would constantly hand me funny images with sweet sentiments....then one day, he handed me a paper with a sketched Garfield the Cat that said, "round is beautiful." i could have died. a fourteen year old girl does not want to be reminded that she is round! in hindsight, he was more mature than boys his age. i'm sure he has made a plump woman somewhere, very happy.
i was able to have good and bad experiences, of course, but the more i focused on others and not myself, the more i found myself in situations where guys wanted to take advantage. this area of the post is a bit personal but it is also a huge part of my struggle for self and my inability to recognize my personal worth. luckily, the string of young men who wanted nothing other than to fill their own desires, were stupid and invasive, and taught me a lot about the boundaries and limits that even a shattered girl, like myself, wanted to emplace.
high school was full of theatrical productions and teaming with some of the "avant-garde" students that fit the bill for acceptance and excitement. i enjoyed those times and was able to further stuff my image problems down into the, i'll deal with it later, abyss.
my young adult life began to take shape and what the future held, was uncertain. my need to create a healthy life, certainly was not certain. having been pushed and pulled, tormented from within and out, i had no idea what i wanted. drugs, homelessness, moving to and fro, starting never finishing, i watched my weight go up and down, a lot! i had met the best of people and also the worst of people. having grown up in Las Vegas, i was not unfamiliar with seedy low life street beggars and i had become a street kid myself, thankful for the programs in place that allowed me to eat. although this lifestyle certainly did not please me, looking back, it was an accumulation of all the fear and doubt that i had held onto for so long. i'm sure for those who have never found themselves in these sort of situations, can not even begin to comprehend these actions, but it's real. i found others, like myself, just looking for something to hold on to. something that could give us worth and significance because we couldn't find it.
then, around 2003, having quit the hard stuff and on my way to recovery, i remember feeling so alone. so crazy. so lucky, that i hadn't lost myself through it all. i got back on my feet and started to make heads of all the crap i allowed to happen. as i begun to make sense of it all, there was still this pain. this agonizing pain. i still wasn't happy. my friendships and relationships, didn't make me happy. i needed to feel good about myself, but i just couldn't do it. i gave myself every reason that i could, but to no deliver.
one day, year 2007, my friend called me up and said,"let's go get lunch!" sure! i was always up for an eating adventure. we met at Tony Caputo's Market and Deli and i walked in with only lunch on my mind. however, i left with a part time job. supplementing your income, never a bad thing. as i was sitting on the patio with my roasted pepper sandwich on foccacia, Manchego cheese, oil, vinegar and greens, i had a thought i couldn't shake. i turned to my friend and said,"i'm going to meet someone special here!" a few days later, i am united with my future husband. we were wed on May 30, 2009 and he truly loves me for exactly what i was, and still loves me for who i am today. for the past three and a half years, he has encouraged me to become the Paige i've never been. we've worked at this together, losing and gaining, and through it all, i know i've
April 20, 2011, we learned of some surprising news. we were pregnant and going to have a baby!!! although, even at 31, i didn't feel ready to have a child. as you may know, babies come anyway, and the pregnancy, really, was all i could ever hope for. i loved it, minus the misaligned pelvis due to too much hormone, Relaxin. it caused A LOT of pain and it made everything more difficult, but i loved it. i loved that there was this little human being growing inside of me, and it was made between the love my husband and i share. my pregnancy was flawless. my baby and i were healthy throughout and i couldn't have been more blessed. near the end, i started seeing a wonderful chiropractor to aid in helping me deliver our son naturally, with no interventions. women with PGP, pelvic girdle pain, are said to have complications with a vaginal birth due to a misaligned pelvis. i was determined to have a quiet, peaceful birth and i did! what an EMPOWERING experience. Duncan came naturally, with the help from my husband and our wonderful midwives, December 22, 2012, the Winter Solstice!
55 pounds i had gained....so that puts me at about 120 pounds heavier than that of my wedding day. 120 pounds heavier than i could have ever imagined. i guess the second helping of ice cream during pregnancy is only ok if you can loose the weight after pregnancy. i sit here today, feeling good about losing 30 pounds of it, but i have have so much further to go. if at any point i thought it would be hard, it's now. i am a stay at home mom, who needs to get more active. i've always relied on working to keep my weight off.
it's now 2013. i started this blog to track my progress and to possibly help those that may have similar experiences. i am usually a very private person when it comes to certain things but letting go is a necessary step, at least i think it is for myself. in order to know where you are going, i think it's important to take a look at where you were at.
Our achievements of today are but the sum total of our thoughts of yesterday. You are today where the thoughts of yesterday have brought you and you will be tomorrow where the thoughts of today take you. -Blaise Pascal
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